An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender says "No way buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathroom, and again he slurs
"Give me a drink." Bartender says "No, man, I told you last time you're too drunk."
Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again
the bartender says "You're too drunk." The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn
I must be... the last two places said the same thing."
Saturday, 23 July 2011
Which way was it headed?
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally
farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced, knowing that everyone in the
place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally
farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced, knowing that everyone in the
place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
Monday, 4 July 2011
Our Prayers have been answered
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two
female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asks.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?!"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the
Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis
and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.
"Thank you," the woman said, "this may be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her
in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do
you want to have some fun?
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put
the beads away, Frankie, our prayers have been answered!"
female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asks.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?!"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the
Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis
and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.
"Thank you," the woman said, "this may be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her
in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do
you want to have some fun?
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put
the beads away, Frankie, our prayers have been answered!"
Very Bad news
Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “24 hours! That’s terrible!! What could be worse?! What’s the very bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
Patient: “Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “24 hours! That’s terrible!! What could be worse?! What’s the very bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
Careful what you say around kids
The Principal of an elementary school went into a classroom and said, "I will give you all a lifesaver, but you have to guess the flavor because I'm not telling you. Whoever wins will get a prize." So he gave them all honey flavored lifesavers.
Nobody could get it, so he gave them a hint. "It might be what your mom calls your dad sometimes."
Little Jonny stands on his chair and yells, "Don't eat them! They're asshole flavored!!"
Nobody could get it, so he gave them a hint. "It might be what your mom calls your dad sometimes."
Little Jonny stands on his chair and yells, "Don't eat them! They're asshole flavored!!"
Boko Haram kills LG boss, 14 others in Borno
 |
• . Photo: Sun News Publishing |
Ten people were killed and nine injured yesterday evening at a drinking joint in Maiduguri when a bomb believed to have been planted by the Boko Haram men exploded.
Sources said the explosion came just after a man, who bought a soft drink at one of the shops at the popular Wulari Mammy Market left the area. Commander of the Joint Task Force, Major Gen Jack Okechukwu said five people were killed by the bomb blast while nine were injured.
Gen Okechukwu said the victims had been taken to the hospital, while the injured persons would be treated but did not give further details on the incident.
Daily Sun gathered that the incident, which occurred at about 5.30 pm yesterdaycaused panic among the residents in the area as people ran for dear lives. Soldiers were deployed to the area shortly after the blast, even as the place was condoned off immediately.
Three armoured vehicles were seen in the area with two military hilux coming from the scene of the incident when Daily Sun reporter visited the area at dusk yesterday but it could not be ascertained if the hilux buses were carrying corpses of the victims at the scene. There were over 50 troops around the area at about 6.30 pm .
Abdullahi, a resident of the area claimed the bomb exploded at the middle of the market, near one Jummai Watanda shop. “We have seen the security people evacuating victims some dead some wounded. We have also seen the soldiers open fire on a Volkswagen Golf car that refused to stop when he was asked to stop. But I really don’t have the full picture of happenings there because the soldiers have cordoned the whole area.”
Wulari Mammy Market is one of the relaxation centres of the police in the sate but it is also open to non police men and women. It has over 100 temporary shops. Yesterday’s incident marked the second time when bomb would explode in the market. In 2010, a blast was recorded in front of one of the shops at the market but no casualty was recorded.
Ealier attack on Saturday night and yesterday’s afternoon by gunmen suspected to be of Boko Haram had killed four persons and the Caretaker Chairman of Jere Local Government, Alhaji Mustapha Ba’ale respectively.
Ba’ale, who was sworn in as the Jere Local Government caretaker chairman two weeks ago was killed at about 4pm yesterday in his house at Madinatu, old Maiduguri. He had contested the Jere Federal Constituency seat in the last April poll on the platform of the All Nigeria Peoples Party(ANPP) but lost to the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP). Details of his killing were sketchy as at press time yesterday.
Sources said residents of Bulabuli-Ngaranaram were shocked at the midnight upon hearing the news of the selective attacks on their neighbours believed to have been carried out by the dreaded Boko Haram men, killing three persons and leaving an ex-soldier badly injured.
“We were horrified by the attack because nobody knew when the gunmen entered the deceased houses. We only heard people crying at about 12 midnight,” a middle age man, who lives in the area told Daily Sun on phone.
He disclosed that the gun men, numbering about three might have jumped fences to enter the residences of their target, adding that nobody would have suspceted that death was lurking around the area. He said the incidents occurred between 11 pm and 12 midnight on Saturday.
The four persons killed included one Abba Panama, a local mason, his two brothers Sani Umar, 35 and Apagu Umar, 30, one Alao, while Pa Joseph, an ex-soldier managed to escape death with bullet wound. He is now receiving treatment at an undisclosed hospital.
Speaking, wife of one of the deceased, Abba Panama disclosed that the three gunmen jumped into their compound at about 11 pm and asked everyone in the house to come out for checks. “We all came out from our rooms and they separated the men from the women. They asked if my husband would stop being a Christian and become one of them (Muslim) and my husband told them no, that he was already a Christian. Then they shot him in the head. I came out after they had left and saw my husband dead,” she disclosed amidst tears.
The mother of nine also said her 27 years old second son would have also been killed, had he not travelled out of the town, noting that her husband’s killers had turned her to a widow suddenly.
Meanwhile, one of the brothers of the Umars said he suspected his brother;s killers were the sect members, who owed him (the deceased) money on petrol, which he sold to them before the 2009 uprising.
According to him: “My brother had told me sometime ago that some of his business associates were those suspected to be Boko Haram men and that since after the attack in 2009, most of them ran away without paying him the money they owed.
“He also told me about three months ago that some of them came back and paid him the money, while some did not pay.” He said he believed the killers were those who did not pay.
Daily Sun gathered reliably that the news of the attack came as a surprise to the men of the Joint Task Force, who had been stationed in every part of the metropolis to keep eyes on the sect.
Source said the gunmen might have used pillows for the killing to disallow the sound of the gunshots from attracting the attention of the security operatives and residents of the area.
Operation Officer of the JTF, Col Victor Ebhaleme confirmed the killing of Pa Joseph but expressed shock that the troop did not hear gunshots. He disclosed that some suspected members of the sect had been arrested and were being interrogated.
(Excerpts from Sunnewspaper)
Saturday, 2 July 2011
a little quiz
if thief fall for hard cement come break im leg wetin dem go call am?
ans: Hardened criminal
ans: Hardened criminal
El-Rufai Arrested by SSS
The State Security Service this morning go arrest the former Minister of the Federal Capital Territory, Mallamu Nasir el-Rufai, for Nnamdi Azikiwe International, Abuja. My Source tell me say el-Rufai wey dem catch dem detain am over the comments wey im make, especially im criticism of President Goodluck Jonathan. Im alert the whole world tru Twitter about im arrest around 8.40am. E reach point wey, el-Rufai inform im Twitter followers say im no go fit communicate with them as im phones‘ batteries done run down. More details later. | ||||||||||||||||
Richest Men in the World (Billionaires)
it will shock you to know that the richest man in the world is a Mexican (Carlos Slim) with a Net worth of 74 billion US Dollars, followed by Billgates with 54 billion Dollars, then Warren Buffet with 50 billion USD and then Bernard Arnault with 41 billion Dollars.
Bill, Warren and Bernard are all US citizens.
their Digital Photographs are Below ranging from the lowest to the Highest (an the 1st shall be the last and vice versa abi no be so?)
They are Digitally sound if you know what i mean, the funny thing be say all of them na oldmen o, can you beat that, this is a challenge to all we young men them.
Bill, Warren and Bernard are all US citizens.
their Digital Photographs are Below ranging from the lowest to the Highest (an the 1st shall be the last and vice versa abi no be so?)
 |
| Bernard Arnault (4th) |
 |
| Warren Buffett (3rd) |
 |
| BillGates (2nd) |
 |
| Carlos Slim (1st) oga kpakpata |
If Life Were Like A Computer
You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
no smoke exe
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
shey u no dey
one morning mama buqui dey backyard dey cut grass for hot sun, ha husband lie down for inside house dey sleep, so wen im come wake up e come waka go meet mama buqui come ask her "wetin dey to chop na?"
na im she come provoke "which kind pesin you be sef ehn?, i dey de do cut grass you no come help me you lie down for inside say you dey sleep, nothing dey for you to chop imagine say i no dey town so go make yoursef somtin to chop"
na im papa buqui go inside arrange corrrekt LEM come chop am tyt like this, wen mama buqui finish she come ask am say "wia d LEM wey you arrange dey na?"
huh? i tink say you no dey town na!"
na im she come provoke "which kind pesin you be sef ehn?, i dey de do cut grass you no come help me you lie down for inside say you dey sleep, nothing dey for you to chop imagine say i no dey town so go make yoursef somtin to chop"
na im papa buqui go inside arrange corrrekt LEM come chop am tyt like this, wen mama buqui finish she come ask am say "wia d LEM wey you arrange dey na?"
huh? i tink say you no dey town na!"
terms u shuld know
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Naija theater that is western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Man Rules
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear " the rules" from the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1.. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say, during commercials. .
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
We always hear " the rules" from the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1.. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say, during commercials. .
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Generation Y
What is generation Y?
- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.
- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.
- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.
- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2011
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
let me tell you why,
And I always thought it was because they say...
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.
- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.
- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.
- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2011
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
let me tell you why,
And I always thought it was because they say...
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
china don do am again o
The longest sea bridge for the world, Qingdao Jiaozhou Bay Bridge, for Qingdao, Shandong province, China, officially open on Thursday, June 30. The bridge na 42 km (26 miles) long. imagine fa, this chinese dem no wan gree oo.
we for naija supose do one go abroad tru tru.
we for naija supose do one go abroad tru tru.
chinco people una do well
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